Someone Pinch Me..I Think I'm Dreaming

The other day was ne of the happiest moments I have eve been in a long time. I still think I was dreaming. Its not a big deal but in some ways for me it is. I am not going to hold my breath lol. The last few weeks have been nice with some shocking surprises and of course hurtful moments. The important thing is Everything is good and I am Happy

Few Updates....

My aunt is doing better and is now back in Florida with my grandmother. I would say she is about 70 % better which is very good compared to where she was a few weeks ago. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers.

Say Hello to Tilly She is the Breast Cancer Awareness dog..Isn't she just adorable. Shes so loveable and cuddly.. :)

I think I owe you some pictures. First let me say Cheers!

Everyday I would get up and look out to this every morning.
It's absolutly breathtaking to me. I don't know why but ever since I was a young girl I have had a love for the ocean. Believe me it has nothing to do with being a Native Floridian. *wink. Theres just something beautiful and mysterious about her.

Be patient with me as these pictures are coming from my phone and I have a lot to share along with some pretty ones like this one here. When I was in the Bahamas I never tried Conch salad and always wanted too. So I shopped around for a place that was to my liking. This guy was cool. He reminded me of the book "the old man and the sea". well anyway, he pretty much knew me by my name..well honestly he kept on talking about my muscles. I visted him a few times while I was in the Bahamas. So the first day I was sitting off the side of the dock and this lady was walking by from Senior Frogs. She was pretty happy at the moment, and was totally out of control. Think of the old 80's movie "Blind Date" with Bruce Willis trying to get with Nadia (Kim Bassinger). :)Once Nadia took a drink, she was out of control. lol. So the lady came running over to the end of the dock where I was and she asked the man if she could come on his boat. He was all game for it. LOL. I just had to see this. So I got my camera ready and took a couple of pictures





i will post more later

Smooth moves

I was laying out on my deck chair at the back of the ship by the water. The wind started picking up bad. The next thing I know my bag goes flying. I had my sign n sail card as well as my clothes and sunglasses. The bag takes off flying and gets caught by the rail. It was seconds before my bag along with all my stuff went "overboard". Immediately I felt I was at a blue light special at K-mart and jumped on the bag like my life depended in it. At this point it did lol. Trust me I have loads of funny stories of some funny experiences I have had involving airline tickets, driver licenses, etc.

I had someone ask me today if your allowed to jump off the ship like you would jump a cliff and into the water. Theywere adventure seekers. I completely DID NOT take this person seriously...but trust me they were serious about the question. But I mean seriously come on. I told them to ask the captain of the ship LOL.

I will write more later. I am zonked out from the sun. I have been out in the heat for the last few hours. I'm as dark as my grandmother now lol. Well not that dark. ha ha

tootles

I need a night cap

I can’t sleep so I am just writing out here under the vast blanket of stars. I took a few minutes and watched the sky and I must have counted about 7 shooting stars. Some small and some pretty good sized ones. I am not much of a sleeper when there are things on my mind. I gave my grandma a call and trust me using my cell phone from the ships tower is not cheap. $2.49 a minute. Och! So I called and a couple of times I got these crazy rings etc. Finally she anwered. She has been very busy as she is still in NY and preparing to bring my aunt back down again to Florida. I have no idea whats going on as all she told me she was busy and that she would call me back. I don’t have an update for you.

I just registered for my courses at the college as school begins the 23 of this month. It will be go by quick. Yesterday I didn’t do too much. Freeport wasn’t my cup of tea. I prefer St. Thomas, St. Martin, St. Lucia. I trained yesterday and almost got in trouble as I had about 3 people come up to me wanting some training and diet advice. I enjoyed helping them. There was one lad who was a retired school teacher who didn’t know how to use the machines. Of course my natural instinct is to help her. SO I went over and offered help and then she said thank you and she went on and She went to another machine and needed help and I helped her again. She then flexed her bicep and said that I obviously workout and that she wanted help in learning how to tone. I gave her tips on toning and demoed a few exercises that I felt would benefit her on her journey. It must have took about 45 mins. I felt like the trainer on duty was getting a little ticked as I was helping people and giving tips as they asked me. I really enjoyed doing that and now I am more involved in training people than I was a few years back when I was Signature Fitness training people in Orlando. It comes natural to me pushing and motivating people to help them bring out the best in themselves.

It would be nice if I had a job on the cruise ship as a personal trainer. I would love that, but I couldn’t be the bodybuilder I am today.

There’s a girl who Is heavily intoxicated right now telling me nice lap top over and over lol. Of course ignored her as I am on my balcony and “I don’t speakie englsh” lol. I sometimes may talk in german to mess with people if they try to talk to me to me or ask a silly question lol. It works ha ha

Too sweet to be a suite

All I can say is it is absolutly breathtaking sitting out watching the never ending ocean. I am making a scrapbook for my aunt and grandmother and I think they are really going to enjoy it. Last night was a hard night for me but I am managing. Everyone is treating me like family here and its so nice. I am the usually joker and liek to have fun laughing and joking with people. Being my typical silly self. I am doing all these things but its not the same. Its really not. It is a fabulous ship and I would saio on this again and again. I never had such a wonderful crew take so much care of me. its a amzing. I will write more later. I wish my grandma and aunt can see what I am seeing and experiencing. I have my phone on and thank God I have gotten no call. I am going to call them in a little bit asfter I train here in a few mins.

But the cruise its self is not the same. There are a lot of things I miss. There things that I would like to enjoy but I can't as much as I would like too. You know what I am talkign about.....Its just not the same.

Talk to you later

Who I am ......I am KICKASS..lol

I can Officially say that I am NOT Kick ass, but what I am right now at this moment is shocked, hurt and a little upset with what has been going on. Email garbage and all that jazz. I am lucky to have true friends and I don't have many of those. I was told something today that literally blew me up. There are certain people or a certain someone I should say that think they know me and pretty much believe everything that other people tell them, especially about me. I admit we are all not perfect, I learned form my mistakes. I am MORE hurt about this than they are seriously, and I always will be. No one can ever fill in those shoes ...NO ONE. I can't even describe the true feelings I have and always will forever have. When I am around those things I admire, love and cherish, it literally sucks the life out of me, my heart feels like its going to burst out of my chest pounding so heavy, and I feel like I am going to swallow my tongue. LOL. That's a deep feeling. Love is a powerful thing and it has struck me hard my friends. It hurts hearing these painful things from close friends.

Recently I have been getting a lot of feedback about my blog. That makes me feel good as I enjoy writing and expressing myself with some of my stories and adventures. I recently have been very blessed and I am very thankful. I have done so much in the last two months that I look back and say “wow” did I really do that lol. Oh I have been addicted to movies as well. I recently say Kick Ass, The Bounty Hunter, Wolfman, Up in the Air, Invitcus, Date Night, Shutter Island, Cop out, The tub time machine(or something like that) Alice in wonderland, When in Rome, Dinner for Schmucks, and Will Ferrells new movie. Can you tell I like movies I know I can. I start school the 23rd …..Hip Hip hooray. Its more like boo hiss hiss lol

I was blogging while I was on my flight this morning on Jet Blue as I never flown with them before and they had the cheapest flight from NY’s JFK, which the airport blew my mind. I usually fly out of LGA or Newark. Holy smokes! I arrive and JFK is just packed and I mean packed with people. It was insane. This has got to be one of the busiest airports in the United States. It is an amazing airport. It has loads and loads of shops and it is very clean and very high end. I will say the security check point was a piece of cake and went smooth. I always love carrying a conversation with the TSA agents. They know my name back home in Indianapolis lol. Or at least they remember me as the bodybuilder chick. I had a few people ask me to write them a diet and workout plan. LOL.

So I am at JFK I am starving. My Great Aunt (my g-ma’s sister) got up this morning and packed me breakfast in a paper sack. She is so sweet. Let’s see she put a zip lock bag of cheerios, sliced mangos, banana, and melon. Then she was trying to throw some papaya on me. LOL. It’s been a long time since I had a packed lunch. LOL It felt great. I have a HUGE family in Brooklyn, NY. They are very cool and very established. I love them all very much. I tend to go off the subject a lot, so to go on with my JFK. I was a little hungry and went to their food court. WOW! They had everything you can imagine.

Okay so I’m sitting there like a kid in a candy store and I’m jamming with my Ipod and all of this sudden this U.S. Customs agent comes up to me. I immediately thought what the heck did I do wrong. DO I have toilet paper hanging from my foot lol. I did that once actually. I went out for a bite to eat and I think it was outback or some steakhouse. SO I looked really nice and I had to use the powder room, well here I come walking out strutting my stuff and then I noticed I had this long strip of toilet paper sticking to the bottom of my shoe. I was like NOOOOOOO .. lol. My friend made fun of me and acted like he didn’t know me lol. Okay enough stories. So the customs agent says that he is a fan of mine. I’m like what. He knew who I was. I was like who am I lol. He’s like Isabelle Turell. Well I thought that was nice, and it brightened my day. Especially with what I am about to tell you all here later in my blog. I told him thank you for being a fan and he went on his way. So I looked around and I really enjoyed the buffet salad bar and breakfast bar. It appealed to me the most I would say. Of course I am dieting right now so I stayed away from the breakfast bar. OMG they had pancakes, huge sausage, eggs, bacon, French toast, etc. But I chose the salad bar and had some bowtie pasta with sun dried tomato and I topped it off with tuna, red and green diced bell pepper and some parsley. I would say the amount of tuna I added was about maybe 2 cans of tuna if not maybe a little more. I topped it with a little EVO (extra virgin olive oil) and balsamic vinegar. Then I had my smart water. I was racing to chow down. I got to my gate which was gate 9 and then as I took a seat then announced that we were now in gate 12. “Well isn’t that special” lol. So I closed the container packed it back up and grabbed my bags and headed over. Finally I got to sit down and enjoy my tuna pasta and it was AWESOME. Two snaps up.

Its just not the same being on this adventure I am on. Its really not. My friend Dessi told everyone on the ship about me lol. She greeted me with a rose and she brought white chocolate starwberries to my room. But now on to the bad news

Here is an update on my aunt. Her condition has gotten worse. To me she seemed like she had made improvements. I am being as positive and optimistic that I can. My grandmother had come up to NY as she is going to have to be admitted in NY for special treatment. My aunts complexion has gotten paler and she now is shaking especially in the hands. It also appears that her balance issues have gotten worse. She now will have to use a wheelchair to get around.

My grandmother has been an absolute wreck. I completely understand why. She is a big worrier and my aunt is her first born and she is very close to her. My aunt ‘s the “favorite” out of my grandmothers children. I was watching her last night, and you can see how stressed she is. She seem like she is there but really her heart and soul are with my aunt. You know my grandmother is not as young as she used to be and she as well can’t move around. She can’t walk as good as she used too. Her knees are bad and she is constantly going to the doctor for exams and getting shots in her knee. Like now I tried to massage her feet and legs last night and even my gentlest touch was too painful to bear. This morning I had to leave as I am flying down to Jacksonville, Florida and I will be away for 9 days. I am going to keep my phone on no matter who much it cost while roaming as I have a strange feeling I am going to get a call. I don’t have travel insurance and there was a situation that happened last year where I should have learned from that and got it here. I pray to GOD I don’t get that call if you know what I mean. I am already beaten up in the inside but I’m not shedding the tears. As I mentioned earlier I am going to be strong and positive on this. But when my grandmother is as stressful as she is right now and all she said yesterday over and over was I want to go back home, and take my daughter with me. Something’s not right. On top of that usually my G-Ma is the one that’s very defensive and always says that everything is going to be okay. That’s not the case right now and I think you all know what I am talking about.

We all have situations arise with friends, family , or even complete strangers that may set off certain emotions in us. A great example is 911. Another example would be movies like Titanic, The Passion of the Christ, etc. One more example could be a simple commercial that somehow touches us or connects with us in some way. These things sometimes can be difficult to deal with. I may be a IFBB Professional Bodybuilder but this little lady has a big heart that will do anything for anybody. A couple of my friends especially one that I knew would poke fun at me as for even the happiest moments I would tear up. Its me and who I am. In this situation my heart goes out.
I see myself as a healer and teacher. There have been many moments I wished I had the power of John Coffee from the movie the Green Mile. My aunt would be first on the list, then my grandmother, and then everyone else. I would travel around the world healing people and giving them happiness and peace. It gives me the chills talking about it. Two of my biggest admirers is Mother Theresa and the Dali Lama very powerful people who changed the world.
I hate ending this on a sad note as that is what it is. I’m trying to keep my mind off of it as you can sorta tell at the beginning of the blog, but once I start talking about it I can’t stop.

Some Family pictures

Grandma, My sister Erica and my mother

My Aunt when she was young at her communion

My grandmother with her big glass of Apple juice (lol) its a spiked glass of apple juice :)

My grandmother when she was young. I think this is from the 1950's

Time to make the doughnuts

I feel like I need to take good long long nap. Seriously. I realy am tied. I had a AWESOME workout today. Maybe that was it. The heat doesn't help either.

I went to the hospital hoping theey would of had a gift shop. You know something to bring to a patient. Get well soon. Well I asked a lady in the cafateria about a gift shop and she snapped at me and was plain out RUDE. I held back and walked out. Its not worth it, at least not at a hospital. Then this guy chased me down and told me about this pharmacy down the street that they had flowers and some other things. Well I wasn't goign to let some snappy lady get the best of me. So I went to the store. It was an extra walk but it was well worth the cause. To see my aunt with a huge smile in her face makes me happy. I came back in the hospital to see my aunt and I showered her with teddy bears, flowers and balloons to bring her some cheer. She was walking around a lot better today and from what she told me, she is goign to be released from the hospital on Monday. I know she was very happy about that as she hates hospitals and so do I. Today I noticed a huge difference in her. She looked a lot better and had a nice glow to her. She is so funny. She told me today that since she has been in the hospital she hasn't slept as all she has been doing is watching tv flipping channels. She sounds a lot like me cause thats what I at home. LOL.

My heart goes out to my aunt and I will do whatever I can to help her and be there for her. I came close to shedding tears a few times but I have to be stronger than that. So I am. I am happy that she is doing a lot better and that she is being a true fighter. I forgot the exact line but for those of you that have seen galaxy quest..you know what I mean when I say "never surrender"

Thank you for all your prayers and generous thoughts

I just won the lottery :)

Can you believe that! I still can't. So I get this email from a small town (somewhere unkown to man) that I have won 5 million dollars. WOOHOO. Im rich and I'm taking everyone on a cruise. I know that was a horrible joke. Not as bad as my sister's prake on me. So I sometimes get these unknown calls that I don't answer. Well finally I got another unknown call and I answered it "hello" and then it was some weird voice. "hi this is so and so" it then went on saying " you stole my newspaper" etc. I was like " what in the world are you talking about?" CLICK. I wasn't thrilled after that. Then they called again. I answered and then click. So the other day out of the blue my sister tells me that she prank called me several times using www.soundboard.com
My feelings went from shocked to anger then relieved and then wanting vengence. ha ha ha ha (my evil laugh). SO I have to admit as I told her that was pretty good as I feel for it. I was impressed. LOL Too bad I can't do it to her. Well then again I can if I use a friends phone. She will get hers. I forgot to tell you guys. On my way taking her to the airport. I'm driving on I-70 and where listening to music and all of the sudden I see a red bird fly in front of the car a needless to say it hit front of the hood and then the winshield. My sister now calls me " bird killer". LOL I was sad. I remember a friend of mine was driving one night and he ran over a kitten. He didn't see it but I made him go back :). it happens in life.

I haven't told anyone yet except my grandmother as she has been worrying about my aunt. My G-ma can't see her right now so I thought I would go see her and give my grandma a report. I will be going to the hospitall later this afternoon and I will let you know all know her status. I know she can't walk really good right now. It just frustrates me that some people are treating her like she doesn't exsist. Thats just wrong. But its in the most challenging times when you find out who your real friends and family are.

So I may have a new job with a supplement company... keep your fingers crossed. I am in the hiring process :) It would be a nice change of pace.

Its not too long before I'm in Jacksonville, FL going on a back to back. It should be fun but I can tell yeah I will be training a lot, and eating alot of protein. Its goign to be nice seeing my friend Dessi again. Its been about a less than a year I think since I seen her. She is sooo funny and she is the matre d'. She loves that I workout and jokes with me. I need to bring her a gift. Its nice when someone looks beyond the outer shell and looks more into whats inside. As I learned from the Dali Lama when I saw him a while back in Indianapolis. Beauty is in the inside not he outside.

Well I am going to go train here in a few mins and then I will be on my way to the hospital. Im going to try and pick up some flowers and surprise her.My aunt right now needs all the love and support she can get. I have seen her cry and walk with her head down. Listen.....we are all God's creatures and we are all beautiful people. I don't judge a person based on what they look like, I never have. What matters is inside thier heart. People now a days have lost that beauty. They judge you and oiont fingers based on the outer appearance and materialistic things you have.
I want my aunt to know she is loved and I see her as a beautiful person. She doesn't have to feel the way she does..no reason too. She justs need to be head strong and shut out those ignorant people.

I have a simple project for each of you today and everyday. Take the time to do something nice for someone. Say a simple "hello" even if they look like they have a crappy look on thier face. It makes a diffrence you'll see
I recently have had a kick for the Glaceau Vitamin Water. They are sooo good and refreshing. I must buy a couple of bottles a day. Maybe they can be my sponsor. Then I can have access to the smart water which I LOVE. Very good water people. :)

Surprise Surpise

My lovely bulldog "Bunny" says hello. She is the sweetest littlest thing but she has her moments. I went downstairs to take the trash out and as I am coming u the stairs she is at the edge of the steps waiting on me.....or so I "think" she is. She then immediately moves away and low and behold there was a big warm "pile" of dog poo smiling at me. LOL. What a way to start the morning. Then shes sits next to it looking at me with her tooth hanging out the side of her mouth like shes smiling at me. Its nothing to smile about and it sure don't smell like roses.

I went to the gym early this morning and did aerobics and some rowing. I'm inspired to buy a piece of cardio equipment and put it here in the apt. I don't know if the complex would mind that. :) I thought about turning the garage into mini gym but I need to have a place to put my car :)

Can you believe its August, I can't. Seems like summer came and went. It is very hot and humid here. Yuk! No thanks. I love fall time, its one of the most beautifulest times of the year. I also look forward to the covered bridge festival. Guess whose Birthday is in October :)


Yesterday was National Night Out (community police awareness raising event) which is always the first Tuesday in August every year. The event was hosted at Fairbanks Park in Terre Haute. From the looks of the crowd it was a good turn out with people. The coolest part of the event for me was the Military helicopter. Don't ask me what kind it was lol, as I have no clue. But it was really awesome. Especially when it took off.

I stopped by Happiness Bag yesterday as I want to work and provide my services. Happiness Bag offers recreational and educational programs and services for individuals with disabilities ages 5-adult. I will be helping out with the special Olympics. I think one of the activities mentioned was volleyball. I may also be helping out with the exercise activities as well.

I have a couple of ideas that I am putting down as a plan to help raise awareness of fitness and health. Today I am going to make a few stops by some community centers and see what I can get myself into.

A big thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers concerning my aunt. She is making good progress in the hospital. She is starting to talk better but she can't walk or stand on her own. I may have to make an emergency trip in the next few days, but I'm not a 100% certain on that. I tell yah it blows my mind how some people are towards her. They treat her like she is a monster. She is a human being like you and me. Its times like this where the family needs to stick together. You and I both know its moments like this were we see who is really "family" and who is really true friends. I won't go into more detail about it but you know what I mean.

People are always going to talk and spread gossip. No matter what. They feed off of it. I know where I stand, and I shouldn't be judged but I am. It doesn't surprise me any more the things people do or say to get a rise out of someone. Again we just have to ignore it and move forward, but its sad.

The Europa is Dallas is coming here quick. I want to congratulate the winners at the USAs..Way to go Al Aguste. I am so happy for him. He looked great and he has been so close to that pro card for a couple years. He always has superior conditioning and believe it or not hes a school teacher :). I also want to congratulate the ladies who turned pro. But I really would have liked to see Claire who won her class win that 2nd pro card. I know the judges like her and I think the next show she does she will take the prize and win that PRO card!

Sisters in town, Indiana State and Hoosier Classic

Well I flew her up here to Indiana. She likes it so shes says. She really liked Indianapolis. I picked her up from the airport in a Chevrolet Camaro. I got pictures of her with it. She really liked it. I wanted to make her happy. What are sisters for. :) I was really surprised she came here actually as she is scared to ride planes by herself. But she did. She was a very big help with the Indiana State and Hoosier classic this weekend. We got there a day before and helped Tim and Bettina Mobley with a few things for the show. Later that evening we walked around and she had a milkshake from steak n shake and we watched motorcycles at Circle Center.

What a incredible weekend! Wow this years Indiana State and the bringing back of the Hoosier Classic was a huge success. Thank you to all the competitors, judges, and our promoters.

We had a pretty good amount of competitors in both shows. The LHW, and HWs, and of course the Mens Masters were a tough class to judge. Now the nicest surprise of the day was seeing Heather Parsons compete in the heavies. She looked amazing. Her conditioning was superb and she just has an incredible shape. Her next show will be the North American. This was the last show she did a few years ago were she was the top contender for the pro card. I promise you...what I saw on Saturday is pro material and will win the pro card at N.A.s good for her. On another positive note. I saw my friend Brooke Suiters in the crowd. Brooke has a cute shape and she is just a doll. She is a figure competitor and has been victorious at the figure shows. She took some time off this year to build her physique. It was great seeing her again.

You know theres always one in the bunch..............

So I was being my happy go lucky self at the show and you know theres always that one that will be a little cold, stern but theres no reason to be like that. I said hello tried to be nice, and got shot down or brushed off. LOL Life is too short. Hey all you can do is keep a smile on your face and move forward. I haven't done anything wrong but you can't please everyone. I guess they have made me out to be this horrible person. I don't know what I did wrong to them but as I said all one can do is ignore it, Smile, and have fun :)

On Saturday, Erica was a great sport and was clapping for every competitor. I turned around and was wondering who was doing that and it was her lol. She takes up after her big sister. I'm proud of her. Now I am a little upset as some photographer was sitting next to her and mind you she is 16 but looks more like 13/14 and he said a few words to her and gave her his card. I was pretty ticked when she told me this even more so that she didn't tell me as I was sitting right in front of her. I told her to NEVER talk to strangers and take peoples cards like that. I also told her to next time have that person talk to me. As I will put them in place. I can't believe that crap. I really wish she would have told me right there and then when it happened. That is one of the problems with this sport. Crap like that. Don't worry I got his card and will take care of it.

Well the next day it was a choice of Cedar Point or Chicago. She took Chicago. Everywhere I looked all she was doing was texting her boyfriend.

She tells me yesterday that it was there 10 month anniversary. Oh boy...LOL. I remember those days. I wanted to go eat at Hot Dawgs and it was CLOSED. I was so sad! I wanted to cry lol. SO we went for pizza. I was told by several friends that Lou's was the best. Now I will be honest. I do not know Chicago at all. We drove around for a good hour and a half or more trying to find our way around lol. Well I finally found Lou's. It was pretty decent, but I think the quality could have been a little better. The cheese and sauce are to die for. One of my favorite things about the place was it has all fresh ingredients. Plus the Cheddar squares and calamari are very good. Navy Pier was our next stop and that was fun. I scared my sister in the elevator by setting off the bell in the elevator. She freaked out. lol. We had fun and watched a pretty decent band playing all types of songs we were dancing and having a great time.


It was a great weekend.


I did made some great contacts this weekend and also made a few phone calls. I have some great plans coming up. Some of those things are that I am going to have my website redesigned focusing on wellness, bodybuilding, and personal training. I also am going to start a website to motivate and encourage kids and adults with disabilities about exercise. I am excited about it.

Next week I will be on my b2b vacation meeting my old Bulgarian friend. I am really excited about everything coming up. I actually also gave Charles Glass a call yesterday and he is going to help me with my physique. I am planning to go down there for a week or so and learn a few things. Golds Gym in Venice is awesome as you get to see celebrities train not to mention people you admire in the sport. I love that place. I am very excited about it. You will see a new and improved Isabelle Turell on stage in 2011. I want to say thank you to CJ from Unique Physique for sponsoring me.


I will be attending the North American, the Olympia, and Nationals to show my support and represent Indiana as one of Indiana's IFBB Pros. Plus I miss the shows, and supporting my friends. I can also help out with Muscular Development with a few things. Oh yes ...I also may have a supplement sponsor but that is in the works. So for now hush hush.


On a sad note. My grandmother has to leave to NY for a month as her daughter my aunt is very sick. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, my aunt has the A.I.D.S. She got put in the hospital a few days ago. My grandmother has been very devastated about it. The whole family has been there for my aunt. She has been battling the virus for 15 years now. Please keep my family in your prayers. All we can do is be positive and keep our heads up